First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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