He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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