She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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