Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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