If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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