I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
