I hate your face
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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