She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
