She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Oh god it's open bar.
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