Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
