um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
