Where is the hickey?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
