So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
