Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I want to be your penis for a week.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Randomize
