guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
