the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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