Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
