Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
