did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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