im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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