Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
