There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
