Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i think i have two assholes
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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