wrigley field is MILF paradise
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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