Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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