how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
