The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
