I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He shit in the fireplace
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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