I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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