We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
