swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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