apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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