is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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