Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
