You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
