So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
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