my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize