I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
