When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
