I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
how drunk are you?
Several
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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