cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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