Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
