if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We got so high we made milksteak
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
