I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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