ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
