If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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