1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
