there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
