she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
