He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
