I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Randomize
