Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
