omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
