i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
