Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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