Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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