Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
