I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
