every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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