you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
