I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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