my phone needs a breathalizer
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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