That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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