Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
