Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
