This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you inspire me to be a worse person
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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