I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
