If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
