I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
