you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
