ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize